Monday, 08 June 2009

• The Kid Meltdown Alert System

  As Megan graduated from high school two weekends ago, I have naturally been inclined to contemplate the last 17 years and 9 months through the prism of my parental experience. Parenting, especially parenting an independent, strong willed teenager, is a grand yet humbling endeavor. It was last night that led to me thinking about how I have strategized my responses to Megan's, let's say, "outbursts". I could say temper tantrums, however that conjures images of a child lying face down on the floor, legs kicking and arms pounding. She hasn't done that in at least three or four weeks.
  
  A strategy is needed. Do not be fooled; we parents cannot react to childhood bouts of temporary insanity willy nilly. Looking back, and in the full spirt of Swine Flu awareness, I believe a six phase alert system, similar to the WHO's Pandemic Alert System, has been my guide over the years. I may be tucking it away for some time now, but my lovely wife Cathy is in her third month and I fully expect to dust off the Kid Meltdown Alert System (KMAS) again. The KMAS is easy to use and applies to kids of all ages, though I have found it exceptionally useful over the last five years.
  
  Phase 1 - General pouting and discontent are evident in the host kid. This is common, cannot be cured, and poses no immediate threat of wider outbreak. No response is necessary.
  
  Phase 2 - Some vocalization and physical demonstration is occurring in the form of annoyed tones and eye rolling. Basic preparedness is advised in the form of issuance of general warnings. Plans should be reviewed for Phase 3.
  
  Phase 3 - Recognizable cases of disrespect and backtalk are occurring. Short periods of isolation are recommended.
  
  Phase 4 - Cases are growing exponentially and severe cases are common. Cases are efficiently passing to others. Long periods of isolation are necessary and plans for the significant curtailing of social activities must be formed. Additionally, mildly painful, localized procedures may be required for the original host.
  
  Phase 5 - Meltdown is imminent. Responses taken in the first four phases have been inadequate and all social activities must be immediately curtailed. Additional responses, including worst-case responses such martial law and complete lockdown must be planned for and implementation must be ready to commence on a second's notice.
  
  Phase 6 - Meltdown is occurring. You have failed to contain the spread and you have now likely become infected.

  With plenty of preparation and the use of this handy system, I have found that we can all stay prepared.
  

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